Almost a month ago, I had to face a critical point in my life; that is, to finally end up everything. Yeah, I know, the major-major heartbreak happened for about ages now. I guess there's a resounding "What? Hindi ka pa rin nakaka-move on???" in the background. But I'm proud to say, unlike before, I haven’t spent the past 6 months crying my everyday life. I was able to live my life. Yes, I survived but I know that deep inside me, I haven’t accepted everything yet...
...Not until I went to Caleruega.
Eversince all the hurt and depression sinked in, I've been planning for my great escape. I wanted to go somewhere no one knows me, somewhere no one would look at me as if there's something wrong with me, somewhere no one would wonder if I am just okay or what. I have prepared myself going as far as Singapore and planned to stay there for good, I even availed all my Vacation Leaves for a Sagada Trip.
To the Moving On and Beyond, Take 1!
Just a few days before I leave for Sagada, a series of storms came in which destroyed the rice terraces and the road to Banaue. With the massive destruction in the North, I needed to change my itinerary.
Again, again, again: To the Moving On and Beyond Take 2!
Since spending my moving-on moments somewhere in the North was quite impossible, I decided to go the opposite way. I planned of climbing a bunch of mountains in the South. Itinerary – check. Budget – check. Equipments – check. And just when everything's ready for the climb, PAG-ASA announced that there will be a storm in the provinces of the South. Whoo!! Not again???! Pag sine-swerte ka nga naman oh!
I got depressed. Yes, I really wanted to leave, I wanted to go somewhere. Yes, I NEED to go somewhere else. I just can’t spend our supposed to be 6th year anniversary in my room. It can’t be. It wouldn’t be good, I know.
A day before our anniversary, it seemed like suddenly, everything became dark… again. I know I have learned how to cope up with the pain. I know I have already moved on. I know I have passed and succeeded the DABDA for a couple of times already. But why was there something with October ** that made me feel gloomy.
And then, just out of nowhere…
I thought of…
I’m quite afraid because I am not ready to talk to God yet – I can’t lie to Him, He knows how I love that person so much. He knows everything. He knows every little thing, and I do not know what He is going to tell me. Worst, I am afraid that a day visit in Caleruega would not end up everything (compared to the 5 day stay I am supposed to spend in Sagada).
I wonder how many broken hearts went and healed themselves here...
My Sanctuary... Thank You God!
To my surprise, Caleruega changed how my great escape was supposed to be.
I wanted to escape because I wanted to vent out; I wanted to cry out every single drop of tear I have in me. I wanted to feel all the pain. I wanted to be myself, just give in and admit how I am still madly in love with that person. I wanted to release everything – every love, every passion, every dream, every hope and pain that I still have with me…
I just wanted to be alone.
Surprisingly, I was not alone that weekend. I felt God was with me, just in front of me, standing in all the trees that surround the area. For the whole day, I didn’t utter any single word but it felt like I have expressed everything I had been wanting to voice out for a long time now.
Surprisingly, I did not cry – this time, not because I held my tears nor I want to save myself from embarrassment that I haven’t moved on. But, maybe, just maybe, just like how my love for that person came in the most unexpected time and in the most unexpected manner, the GIFT of ACCEPTANCE came into me unexpectedly.
“Ngiti yung baon ko pagtayo ko sa upuan na nagduyan sa akin nang halos buong araw. Upuang walang ibang binigay sa akin kundi katahimikan at panibagong buhay. There’s always 2 sides of the story. There’s always a reason for everything. Hindi lang naman ako ang nagmahal at hindi lang naman ako ang nasaktan. Sa dami ng sulat na binigay ng dati kong mahal, sa dami ng pangakong nabitawan, sa dami ng I LOVE YOU ALWAYS at I LOVE YOU FOREVER na nasambit; nakakagulat at may mga bagay akong hindi napansin at linyang marahil nalaktawan -- “I’LL BE THE MAN WHO WILL TEACH YOU HOW TO BE STRONG” Hindi ko alam pero biglang nabago ang puso ko, gumaan, napangiti ako…
… Maraming salamat tinupad mo pa rin ang iyong pangako, masasabi kong iba na ako ngayon, malakas na ako ngayon, MASAYA na ako ngayon. Maraming salamat.”
...On our supposed-to-be-anniversary, I decided to surrender myself and dated God. I had my solo retreat with all your letters and gifts. Again, I read all the hundred I Love You's and promises but the pain of being broken surprisingly didn't show up. It was a beautiful memory I'll cherish for the rest of my life.